Monday, November 23, 2009

B-Movie Monday: Captain America (1990)


You know, I’m not even American; but if I was, this film would no doubt piss me off even more.
I like Captain America; I really do.
I like that he stands for ideals that in these times have seemed more like catch phrases, especially during America’s last administration.
This Captain America doesn’t stand for squat; to paraphrase, I’ve met Captain America, and you sir, are no Captain America.
This film was produced on a low budget by the 21st Film Corporation, and completed filming in 1990.
After test marketing to preview audiences, more stunts were added…..like that really would have helped.
The film of course takes a few liberties with the source material; The Red Skull is now Italian, which makes no sense to me what so ever; there’s no Bucky, not even a mention; And Cap’s only mission is to stop The Red Skull, for which he fails at quite miserably.
Perhaps it’s the fact that this Cap didn’t even go through any formal training.
They just juiced him up, gave him a costume and giant Frisbee, and said “Sic em’!”
Granted, Cap is created during World War II, and The Red Skull is indeed a Nazi, albeit an Italian one.
The film’s opening credits are actually rather quiet; except of course for the film’s title logo, which looks just kind of funny set against 1936 fascist Italy, what with it being all toony, and the red white and blue striped letters.
We hear a piano interlude during the opening credits, which are traced to a family listening to a young boy in their home playing the plodding musical piece.
That is of course, until a group of Nazis break in; they burst through the front door, save for one, who apparently has difficulty following orders, and breaks through a teeny tiny window right next to the front door that everyone else uses.
At that point, I actually expected the head Nazi to turn to the direction-challenged officer, and bellow out “Shultz!!” ala’ Hogan’s Heroes.
They take the piano prodigy of a boy for his “superior intelligence”………wait….he’s superior because he plays piano pretty well?
Wow, just imagine how superior he’d be if he played the spoons as well.
They gun down the rest of his family, while forcing the boy to watch…..uh-huh.
So apparently the boy is needed for an experimental super-soldier project; for which the creator, Dr. Vasseli has second thoughts as the boy is strapped down into the machine, and bolts out the nearest window.
She escapes and defects to America of course, where she hooks up with the American government to help them create their own super soldier, to make up for her past sins.
Makes perfect sense really; help create a fascist super soldier, and to make up for that, create an American super soldier….right.
That American super soldier to be is the polio-stricken Steve Rogers, who bids his true love Bernice farewell with all the passion of a grapefruit.
He’s then transported by American agents, accompanied by Dr. Vasseli to a “top-secret” lab that happens to be under a diner in California…….wait, what?
Wouldn’t such a facility be buried deep within a government base, or something?
Not even Area 51?
Why a diner?
During the process however, a Nazi secret agent reveals himself, and shoots the good doctor, prompting Steve to bolt out of the machine’s chair, take a few gunshots, and kill the Nazi.
This puts Mr. Perhaps-I-Should-Try-Dodging-bullets-Rogers in the hospital until his first mission, which is to stop the Nazis from launching a rocket straight at the White House.
Apparently the American government during WWII wasn’t as bright as we’d thought; taking a newly created super soldier, not training him, pulling him out of the hospital after multiple gunshots, and dropping him in a Nazi-infested stronghold armed with nothing but an American-themed shield.
Granted, the costume is fire-proof….but not bullet proof.
Perhaps that’s why this Cap is given a shield; he’s too stupid to take cover when shot at.
And as to the costume and shield; I have to admit; he looks like Captain America.
That’s one thing the production got right…..mostly.
For some daft reason, the areas of Cap’s hood where his ears are supposed to protrude are replaced with fake rubber ears that are part of the hood.
I’ll repeat that, because it bears repeating; rubber……ears.
You can even catch a glimpse of the hole cut into them so the actor can hear.
Also, both the costume and shield were created by the now late Dr. Vasseli, so any details about them, or the super soldier process are now lost.
Wait, she kept everything in her head?
Everything?
She didn’t write anything down?
Anything?
Not even a doodle?
Anyway, Cap fights his way into the stronghold through poorly edited action, where he comes face to face with the young Italian boy who has now grown into The Red Skull; so named because the early version of the super soldier (sick of hearing that? So am I.) project left the subject with horribly mutated crimson red skin….oh, and no ears.
Huh.
Well, that’s ok; Cap has an extra rubber pair he can lend him.
Well, Skull hands Cap his star-spangled bum, and promptly straps him to the rocket aimed at the White House.
Cap, in a last ditch effort, beckons Skull closer to tell him something, then grabs Skull’s hand……..what’s dumber; the fact that this is all Cap could think of, or that Skull was dumb enough to actually fall for it?
What’s dumber still is that in order to free himself before the rocket launches, Skull pulls out a knife, and with one stroke, lops off his own hand.
He doesn’t stab Cap, or something reasonably intelligent, or something even Paris Hilton would think of, no…….he lops off his own hand.
Superior intelligence my ass.
As the rocket takes flight, we cut to a young Thomas Kimball who’s just sooooo excited to be living in the nation’s capital, sneaks out late at night to snap some pics of the White House, and inadvertently catches sight of the Captain America-equipped rocket descending quickly toward its destination.
And of course, to add dramatic tension, only now does Cap think to kick the one fin of the rocket to knock it off course….he couldn’t think of this while still over Europe, nope….he waited til’ the last second.
Little Thomas Kimball (who vows to one day be President of the United States….of course.) promises to himself to never forget the mystery man he saw….*sigh*
Cap meanwhile, lands somewhere in Alaska….wow, that rocket certainly had more than enough fuel, didn’t it?
The rocket and Cap are buried in the ice, frozen as time passes by, which of course is indicated through a montage of newspapers and music, detailing Thomas Kimball’s (Ronny Cox) rise through the government, to the present where his now of course, President of the United States.
Raise your hand if you saw that coming.
In 1993, a year into his first term, he’s pushing for pro-environmentalist legislation that angers the military-industrial complex, which holds secret conference in Italy (of course) led by….The Red Skull.
The Red Skull, now after going through numerous plastic surgeries, looks more like a Dracula knock-off in an Armani suit than a Nazi terrorist.
Also, he employs for his dirty work his Euro-stereotype-model-daughter and her equally Euro-stereotype-buddies as enforcers, who are mostly Euro-stereo-type-leggy-model-types.
You know the kind?
It turns out that Skull’s been doing assassinations for the military-industrial complex since the 60’s, including John F. Kennedy.
Meanwhile, Cap is discovered by…get this; a German research team in Alaska.
German, right?
Because it’s ironically funny, right?!
Bah.
Cap abruptly breaks free of the ice they now have in their tent, and stupidly runs off, without so much as asking a simple and sensible “What happened?”
He makes it to Northern Canada, where Red Skull’s Euro-models attempt to take him down while on motor-bikes, but through sheer luck and little to no action, he makes his getaway in a car with Thomas Kimball’s childhood friend, Sam Kolawetz (Ned Beatty!)
Who’s a bit of a conspiracy nut, and also happens to work for the government.
Cap, not believing any of what Sam tells him, and noticing the German make of the car (funny irony again! Hilarious!) asks Sam to pull over, because he feels he’s going to be sick.
That’s right folks; so far Cap’s brilliant strategy has been all about betting the other guy is really stupid, then faking him out.
Needless to say, once Cap’s out of the car, Sam wanders over to see if he’s ok, and Cap promptly takes off in Sam’s car.
Next thing you know, he’ll tell The Red Skull his shoelace is untied.
Cap steals some clothes shortly after, and hikes his way like a hobo to California.
Everything from there, if you can believe it, goes down hill.
Cap doesn’t even wear the costume again until the climax of the film.
Not only that, but as his plucky sidekick, he gets stuck with Bernice’s daughter, Sharon.
Who grates on the nerves to the point of homicidal urges.
Hell, he even pulls the same “I’m going to be sick” car trick on her!
That’s right; Cap pulls that trick twice in one film; because the writer is actually that unimaginative.
The rest of the film is spent bouncing around Italy searching for The Red Skull and the now kidnapped President Kimball, all while evading the Euro-model henchman.
Not once is Steve Rogers Captain America through that entire period of the film.
Instead, he’s dressed more like a tourist on vacation.
Undercover, I get….but really; this is a Captain America movie, dammit.
And seeing the star-spangled avenger only twice in the space of 97 minutes is a rip-off.
Cap was portrayed by Matt Salinger, who acts as if he’s reading his lines from cue-cards.
The irony is, he’s gone on to appear in episodes of 24, Law & Order: SVU, and numerous stage productions, for which he both acted and directed.
You’d never guess it, watching this film.
The sequences in this film actually featuring Captain America, although goofy, are kinda neat.
It’s that horrible, horrible in space in between the first scenes and the climax that tears the entire thing down into a mess of poorly edited poop.
Stan Lee was one of the executive producers on this film; leaving me to think that after the success of Tim Burton’s Batman, Marvel was perhaps a little too eager to get one of their flagship character’s onto the big screen….and believe me, it shows.
These days, now that Marvel is calling the shots on their films, lets hope the new Captain America film, which is set to debut in the summer of 2011 not only makes up for the horrid mistakes of this one, but gives the character and American icon the respect he deserves.

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