Friday, December 4, 2009

Twilight: New Moon

Someone once told me that the entire thing with Twilight wasn’t about drooling over the characters of Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.
After seeing Twilight, and now for this review, New Moon I can agree with that.
Apparently the other half of this entire thing with Twilight is about what a complete idiot Bella Swan must be.
An obsessive, depressive, mentally and emotionally unstable idiot.
I’ve known people in their teen years who’ve taken a break up pretty badly.
Bella is a different story, as you’ll soon discover, as spoilers will abound here and there throughout this review.
As a matter of fact, I haven’t been this dumbstruck by a character’s stupidity since Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones, and Revenge Of The Sith.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The film opens to what can only be a dream sequence, featuring Edward already sparkling away in all his albino-James Dean glory.
This dream will prove to be somewhat prophetic later in the film.
This is assuming of course that you get that far without throwing up.
Anyway, it’s Bella’s birthday, and she gets a digital camera from her lethargic father and a photo album from her unseen mother, for her to capture her senior year in all its mundane wonder.
She of course snaps a pic of her “friends”, or as I like to think of them, rent-a-characters; since all they seem to do in these films so far is to stand around, blurt out insipid dialogue, and do nothing.
I actually find myself rubbing my temples as I type this.
No, really.
Of course, what should I expect; they’re really just there to show how “wonderful” and “special” Bella’s supposed to be.
As if.
And really, if she was so wonderful and special, she wouldn’t treat people she considers friends as such throw-aways.
On with the story, such as it is; Bella also happens to be nagging the love of her life Edward to just go ahead and “change her” as she put it.
Unfortunately for Bella, Edward feels by being a vampire he is damned, and of course doesn’t want such a fate to befall his beloved human girlfriend.
To add to Bella’s distress, it turns out Edward and his “family” have to skip town; leaving Bella in a broken-hearted depression for approximately three months.
We know this, due to a wonderful pan around shot of Bella as she sits and broods, accompanied by the words “October”, “November” etc. flashed upon the screen as the camera pans around her.
This of course is to give the impression of time passing as Bella broods and sulks, but really just kinda gives the impression that the cameraman is being chased by a badger.
While Edward-less, Bella also takes on more reckless and adrenalin-junkie type behaviour, all the while seeing visions of her dear Edward.
Medication might be a good idea around this time.
She begins to start spending time with her friend Jacob, hanging with him as they restore a dirt bike to feed her adrenaline needs; the pair of course become closer, and Jacob wishes to cultivate a romantic relationship with her, but she hesitates, practically admitting to using him as an emotional crutch while she still pines for Edward.
And again, I rub my temples, and then my eyes.
Oh, but the plot thickens; turns out Jacob also has a special secret to hide, which comes as a surprise to no one, I would think.
Since the title of the film pretty much gives it away, I’ll assume you gentle readers could guess what his little secret is, yes?
Ok, he’s a werewolf.
And not just any werewolf; he’s the big, blatantly CGI’ed werewolf that also is a part of a pack of werewolves.
And of course, all have their shirts off through pretty much the rest of the film, to show off their buff physiques.
Well, except one; who actually seems kinda scrawny; I expected him to turn into a cute puppy instead of a werewolf, really.
And when I say “blatantly CGI’ed” I mean that I couldn’t suspend disbelief for one second when I first laid eyes on these giggle-inducing lycans.
See, they look like regular wolves, but bigger.
Like, size of a bear bigger.
Never mind that I’ve seen better computer-generated characters on the X-Box, not even the animation of the wolves was convincing; as if the animators couldn’t be bothered to study how wolves might actually move, or run; instead just opting to guess at it.
I’d mention the pointless little sub-plot of the remaining “bad” vampires from the first film still wanting a piece of Bella, but it really seems to go nowhere; it just gives the werewolves in the film something to do.
All of this brooding, and hallucinating on Bella’s part results in her doing the only thing she feels she can do…..jump off a cliff.
Wait, what?
This does however offer the one truly comedic moment in the film for me, the moment she surfaces in the water she plunged her scrawny little arse into, and all seems well, we’re treated to her eyes going wide as the tide comes in and knocks her back underwater.
Seriously, I was laughing like Nelson from The Simpsons.
Sadly though, she is rescued by Jacob, who of course berates her blatant stupidity as I had through much of the film.
Also at this point, I find myself asking “Is this going anywhere?”
The plot responds by bringing one of the Cullen’s, Alice back into the scene, who had a vision of Bella dying from her dive off of the cliff.
Oh, if only.
She informs the wet and shivering heroine that Edward, believing Bella dead, is causing quite a stir in Italy with the vampire royalty The Volturi, resulting in him deciding to reveal himself to the humans, so as to be killed for this crime.
Y’know, cause he can’t exist in a world where Bella is dead.
Rubbing my temples again.
Despite Jacob’s plea for Bella to remain, both she and Alice take off for Italy to save
Edward from his own blatant stupidity.
I get the impression this is supposed to mirror the classic Romeo & Juliet scenario, but the ending of this is so predictable, I didn’t even arch an eyebrow at the outcome.
And of course, this is where Bella’s prophetic dream from the beginning of the film comes into play.
Like it really matters now; like I’m going to be watching this dreck and say “Oooohhh! I get it! That’s deep!”
No, instead I’m both rubbing my temples again, and rolling my eyes.
Bella of course stops Edward at just the last second, and they all go to have audience with the Volturi; whose pancake white make-up is so bloody obvious, I’m rolling my eyes again.
Although, this scene does have one redeeming feature that saved this entire film from receiving a no Zombie-Spidey rating; namely we get to see some vampire fight action, which is actually pretty decent, if not at least mildly entertaining.
Unfortunately, after suffering almost two hours of mind-numbing whiney broody Bella, it certainly isn’t much of a pay off.
Also making her vampire debut in this scene is Dakota Fanning (War Of The Worlds) as a member of the Volturi, Jane.
She really doesn’t have much to do, aside from showing off her mental powers and eyeliner.
In the end, the Cullens of course return, and take a democratic vote on whether to change Bella; which results in a near unanimous decision in favour.
Of course Edward’s return doesn’t sit well with Jacob, to which Bella tells him that she will of course always choose Edward.
But Edward has one condition if he is the one to change her; he asks her hand in marriage.
The End.
One can assume that this story was meant to strengthen the bond between Bella and Edward, and set up a rivalry between him and Jacob.
The problem is, it bases this all on the idea that Bella is worth it.
She isn’t.
As a story thus far, all Twilight seems to accomplish is a sterilization of the vampire genre; which is sad.
I love vampires, I love vampire movies.
I love werewolves, I love werewolf movies.
This is neither; it’s merely a weak backdrop to showcase Stephenie Meyer’s mary sue purple-prose writing and characters.
A self-indulgent fantasy that many other vampire fan fictions do with more talent and class than Meyer has in her pinky finger.
As a main protagonist, Bella is weak, whiny, and pathetic.
In the first book, which I had the misfortune of reading, since I figured I couldn’t bash until I read it for myself, Bella is considered by the writer a “special snowflake”.
Flake, yes; special…..not even close.
The characters as a whole in these stories thus far come across as flat, and dull; unable to incite even the faintest spark of emotion from the viewer, save perhaps disgust.
I came across a livejournal that pointed out other things wrong far better than I could, as quoted below:

According to the National Domestic Violence hotline, these are some signs that you may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.

Does your partner:
* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
"Stay away from the werewolves. I love you."

* Make all of the decisions?

* Act like the abuse is no big deal, i
t’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
"If I wasn't so attracted to you, I wouldn't have to break up with you."

* Threaten to commit suicide?
"I just can't live without you. In fact, I'll run to Italy and try suicide by vampire if anything happens to you."

* Threaten to kill you?
On their first date.

These are some more signs of an abusive relationship.

Has your partner...
* Tried to isolate you from family or friends.
Bella doesn't have time for anyone else!

* Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).

* Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
Does tossing her through a glass table count?

* Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
"We're breaking up. And I'm leaving you in the forest."

* Scared you by driving recklessly.

* Forced you to leave your home.
She had to run away with him to flee from the other vampires in the first movie, and she had to drop everything and run to Italy in the second.

* Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
Check. Even in the hospital, nothing is a big deal.

* Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Well, they are Mormon... (I know, I know, cheap shot.)

* Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Check, wolf-boy.

Now I'm pissed. According to the NDVH, "If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship." This list is fifteen.

Holy. Hell.
What really disturbs me is the fact that Bella may be considered a role model for young teen girls.
Y’know….I like Transformers; stay with me on this, it’s going somewhere.
But I thought the last film was pretty stupid.
Big, dumb, loud, ridiculous, stupid.
But I have to admit…I was certainly entertained.
But I certainly wouldn’t pay to see the next film if it’s going to do the same thing.
Now, from what I’ve seen, the Twilight series just continues to get dumber.
But you know what?
It’s still going to make loads of cash with each installment, the next of which is actually due early next year.
The next Transformers film?
It may not.
So really, the Twilight series is pretty much critic-proof.
No amount of pissing and moaning on our end will change that.
I’ll probably endure some Twi-hards out there who’ll tell me “you just don’t get it” or those rare psychotic few who have actually made death threats to those who disagree with the “vision” of their beloved Stephenie Meyer.
Screw that noise.
As I’ve said earlier, the next installment is due early next year, I believe.
The studio seems to be rushing these out, while the popularity lasts, or until the audience realizes that perhaps it is indeed crap.
Because this certainly isn’t a vampire film, nor is it a werewolf film.
And no, it’s not a romance film either.
It’s nothing more than a self-indulgent mess that the author shouldn’t even dare to call literature, or that the director and producers should dare call filmmaking, either.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Crow Reboot; An Update

Both io9 and Superherohype! are providing info on the possible upcoming Crow reboot:

Ryan Kavanaugh, the producer behind the upcoming Brothers, is currently overseeing the development of Stephen Norrington's franchise reboot of The Crow.

He tells io9 that Norrington's script is now in the tweaking stage and that everyone should know it is not a direct remake of the Brandon Lee-starring film. "We're just relaunching it and making it with a much more present day character, someone more relatable to everybody."

The makeup will very much be different from the Crow visage we've come to know (and which has become a year-to-year Halloween costume favorite). Also, as far as casting goes, "It will be an actor you've heard of, yes. We're not ruling anything out. We're looking at both, with the very well known and the 'very talented but they may not be quite there yet.'"

The Crow isn't even a greenlit film yet, but it's sounding like it will be in a matter of months.
What do I think?
Personally, I'm terrified of this; unless this is going to really try to be it's own thing, perhaps trying to create a more direct adaption of James O'Barr's original story, which I'd be fine with I suppose.

Monday, November 23, 2009

B-Movie Monday: Captain America (1990)

You know, I’m not even American; but if I was, this film would no doubt piss me off even more.
I like Captain America; I really do.
I like that he stands for ideals that in these times have seemed more like catch phrases, especially during America’s last administration.
This Captain America doesn’t stand for squat; to paraphrase, I’ve met Captain America, and you sir, are no Captain America.
This film was produced on a low budget by the 21st Film Corporation, and completed filming in 1990.
After test marketing to preview audiences, more stunts were added… that really would have helped.
The film of course takes a few liberties with the source material; The Red Skull is now Italian, which makes no sense to me what so ever; there’s no Bucky, not even a mention; And Cap’s only mission is to stop The Red Skull, for which he fails at quite miserably.
Perhaps it’s the fact that this Cap didn’t even go through any formal training.
They just juiced him up, gave him a costume and giant Frisbee, and said “Sic em’!”
Granted, Cap is created during World War II, and The Red Skull is indeed a Nazi, albeit an Italian one.
The film’s opening credits are actually rather quiet; except of course for the film’s title logo, which looks just kind of funny set against 1936 fascist Italy, what with it being all toony, and the red white and blue striped letters.
We hear a piano interlude during the opening credits, which are traced to a family listening to a young boy in their home playing the plodding musical piece.
That is of course, until a group of Nazis break in; they burst through the front door, save for one, who apparently has difficulty following orders, and breaks through a teeny tiny window right next to the front door that everyone else uses.
At that point, I actually expected the head Nazi to turn to the direction-challenged officer, and bellow out “Shultz!!” ala’ Hogan’s Heroes.
They take the piano prodigy of a boy for his “superior intelligence”………wait….he’s superior because he plays piano pretty well?
Wow, just imagine how superior he’d be if he played the spoons as well.
They gun down the rest of his family, while forcing the boy to watch…..uh-huh.
So apparently the boy is needed for an experimental super-soldier project; for which the creator, Dr. Vasseli has second thoughts as the boy is strapped down into the machine, and bolts out the nearest window.
She escapes and defects to America of course, where she hooks up with the American government to help them create their own super soldier, to make up for her past sins.
Makes perfect sense really; help create a fascist super soldier, and to make up for that, create an American super soldier….right.
That American super soldier to be is the polio-stricken Steve Rogers, who bids his true love Bernice farewell with all the passion of a grapefruit.
He’s then transported by American agents, accompanied by Dr. Vasseli to a “top-secret” lab that happens to be under a diner in California…….wait, what?
Wouldn’t such a facility be buried deep within a government base, or something?
Not even Area 51?
Why a diner?
During the process however, a Nazi secret agent reveals himself, and shoots the good doctor, prompting Steve to bolt out of the machine’s chair, take a few gunshots, and kill the Nazi.
This puts Mr. Perhaps-I-Should-Try-Dodging-bullets-Rogers in the hospital until his first mission, which is to stop the Nazis from launching a rocket straight at the White House.
Apparently the American government during WWII wasn’t as bright as we’d thought; taking a newly created super soldier, not training him, pulling him out of the hospital after multiple gunshots, and dropping him in a Nazi-infested stronghold armed with nothing but an American-themed shield.
Granted, the costume is fire-proof….but not bullet proof.
Perhaps that’s why this Cap is given a shield; he’s too stupid to take cover when shot at.
And as to the costume and shield; I have to admit; he looks like Captain America.
That’s one thing the production got right…..mostly.
For some daft reason, the areas of Cap’s hood where his ears are supposed to protrude are replaced with fake rubber ears that are part of the hood.
I’ll repeat that, because it bears repeating; rubber……ears.
You can even catch a glimpse of the hole cut into them so the actor can hear.
Also, both the costume and shield were created by the now late Dr. Vasseli, so any details about them, or the super soldier process are now lost.
Wait, she kept everything in her head?
She didn’t write anything down?
Not even a doodle?
Anyway, Cap fights his way into the stronghold through poorly edited action, where he comes face to face with the young Italian boy who has now grown into The Red Skull; so named because the early version of the super soldier (sick of hearing that? So am I.) project left the subject with horribly mutated crimson red skin….oh, and no ears.
Well, that’s ok; Cap has an extra rubber pair he can lend him.
Well, Skull hands Cap his star-spangled bum, and promptly straps him to the rocket aimed at the White House.
Cap, in a last ditch effort, beckons Skull closer to tell him something, then grabs Skull’s hand……..what’s dumber; the fact that this is all Cap could think of, or that Skull was dumb enough to actually fall for it?
What’s dumber still is that in order to free himself before the rocket launches, Skull pulls out a knife, and with one stroke, lops off his own hand.
He doesn’t stab Cap, or something reasonably intelligent, or something even Paris Hilton would think of, no…….he lops off his own hand.
Superior intelligence my ass.
As the rocket takes flight, we cut to a young Thomas Kimball who’s just sooooo excited to be living in the nation’s capital, sneaks out late at night to snap some pics of the White House, and inadvertently catches sight of the Captain America-equipped rocket descending quickly toward its destination.
And of course, to add dramatic tension, only now does Cap think to kick the one fin of the rocket to knock it off course….he couldn’t think of this while still over Europe, nope….he waited til’ the last second.
Little Thomas Kimball (who vows to one day be President of the United States….of course.) promises to himself to never forget the mystery man he saw….*sigh*
Cap meanwhile, lands somewhere in Alaska….wow, that rocket certainly had more than enough fuel, didn’t it?
The rocket and Cap are buried in the ice, frozen as time passes by, which of course is indicated through a montage of newspapers and music, detailing Thomas Kimball’s (Ronny Cox) rise through the government, to the present where his now of course, President of the United States.
Raise your hand if you saw that coming.
In 1993, a year into his first term, he’s pushing for pro-environmentalist legislation that angers the military-industrial complex, which holds secret conference in Italy (of course) led by….The Red Skull.
The Red Skull, now after going through numerous plastic surgeries, looks more like a Dracula knock-off in an Armani suit than a Nazi terrorist.
Also, he employs for his dirty work his Euro-stereotype-model-daughter and her equally Euro-stereotype-buddies as enforcers, who are mostly Euro-stereo-type-leggy-model-types.
You know the kind?
It turns out that Skull’s been doing assassinations for the military-industrial complex since the 60’s, including John F. Kennedy.
Meanwhile, Cap is discovered by…get this; a German research team in Alaska.
German, right?
Because it’s ironically funny, right?!
Cap abruptly breaks free of the ice they now have in their tent, and stupidly runs off, without so much as asking a simple and sensible “What happened?”
He makes it to Northern Canada, where Red Skull’s Euro-models attempt to take him down while on motor-bikes, but through sheer luck and little to no action, he makes his getaway in a car with Thomas Kimball’s childhood friend, Sam Kolawetz (Ned Beatty!)
Who’s a bit of a conspiracy nut, and also happens to work for the government.
Cap, not believing any of what Sam tells him, and noticing the German make of the car (funny irony again! Hilarious!) asks Sam to pull over, because he feels he’s going to be sick.
That’s right folks; so far Cap’s brilliant strategy has been all about betting the other guy is really stupid, then faking him out.
Needless to say, once Cap’s out of the car, Sam wanders over to see if he’s ok, and Cap promptly takes off in Sam’s car.
Next thing you know, he’ll tell The Red Skull his shoelace is untied.
Cap steals some clothes shortly after, and hikes his way like a hobo to California.
Everything from there, if you can believe it, goes down hill.
Cap doesn’t even wear the costume again until the climax of the film.
Not only that, but as his plucky sidekick, he gets stuck with Bernice’s daughter, Sharon.
Who grates on the nerves to the point of homicidal urges.
Hell, he even pulls the same “I’m going to be sick” car trick on her!
That’s right; Cap pulls that trick twice in one film; because the writer is actually that unimaginative.
The rest of the film is spent bouncing around Italy searching for The Red Skull and the now kidnapped President Kimball, all while evading the Euro-model henchman.
Not once is Steve Rogers Captain America through that entire period of the film.
Instead, he’s dressed more like a tourist on vacation.
Undercover, I get….but really; this is a Captain America movie, dammit.
And seeing the star-spangled avenger only twice in the space of 97 minutes is a rip-off.
Cap was portrayed by Matt Salinger, who acts as if he’s reading his lines from cue-cards.
The irony is, he’s gone on to appear in episodes of 24, Law & Order: SVU, and numerous stage productions, for which he both acted and directed.
You’d never guess it, watching this film.
The sequences in this film actually featuring Captain America, although goofy, are kinda neat.
It’s that horrible, horrible in space in between the first scenes and the climax that tears the entire thing down into a mess of poorly edited poop.
Stan Lee was one of the executive producers on this film; leaving me to think that after the success of Tim Burton’s Batman, Marvel was perhaps a little too eager to get one of their flagship character’s onto the big screen….and believe me, it shows.
These days, now that Marvel is calling the shots on their films, lets hope the new Captain America film, which is set to debut in the summer of 2011 not only makes up for the horrid mistakes of this one, but gives the character and American icon the respect he deserves.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Random Movie Review: Hercules (1983)

This has to be one of the most ambitiously bad movies I’ve ever done.
No, seriously; this film aspires to such levels of silliness, and all with a straight face.
I’ve spent considerable time trying to wrap my brain around just what in the name of hell the creators of this epic acid trip were trying to do.
As a result of doing that however, I ended up with a nosebleed and found myself passed out on the floor.
It’s obvious the film aspired to be something far more epic than its budget would allow.
An Italian production that saw release in the United States through Golan-Globus, written and directed by Luigi Cozzi, this is to say the least, an odd retelling of the Hercules myth.
Hercules, played by Lou Ferrigno (television’s The Incredible Hulk) battles the evil wizard Minos (William Berger) who uses “science” to try to dominate the world.
And by science, I mean stop-motion monstrosities depicted as robotic beasts that would make Ray Harryhausen punch a Cyclops.
The film opens with narration depicting the creation of the universe, more specifically this solar system, through a trippy effects sequence, full of flashy stars, and electronic “pew!” sound effects.
We are then introduced to the Gods, who really seem to fancy 80s leotards and the like.
Although Zeus himself (Claudio Cassinelli) is clothed in nothing more than bed sheets, a blatantly fake beard, and a fancy-shmancy crown.
They all hang out on the moon……of course.
Anywho, they sit about, pondering the balance between good and evil, or debating it….whatever.
They come to the conclusion that to balance out good and evil on planet Earth, humanity must have a champion, with really big muscles that are regularly oiled, and a rugged beard that makes his face look like an evil chia-pet.
And so, through more “pew!” sound effects, Hercules is given birth on the planet Earth, as the son of King Augius, who of course himself is betrayed and killed by Minos, but luckily Zeus intervenes, resulting in lil’ Herc floating down a stream to be discovered by his new parents.
Now, the scenes of lil’ Herc floating down a stream are just funny enough; meaning we get to see the little guy strangle and squeeze poorly made rubber snake puppets until jam, or whatever it is, comes oozing out of them.
I suppose this was designed to show Hercules’ massive strength at even his earliest years, but instead just comes across as hilariously inept film making.
And so, Hercules is raised by his new parents, growing into the afore-mentioned big muscley guy, but of course, these parents get killed as well, in remarkably humourous ways.
His father is killed by a bear, or more like a guy in a cheap bear suit and stock footage; for which Hercules is so angered he actually flings Yogi into outer space…..well, a small bear doll, at least….perhaps it was Boo Boo standing in for Yogi as his stunt bear.
That’s not the only thing ol’ Herc flings into the cosmos in this film…he chucks a log up there as well…..for which the director actually set up shots akin to a Star Destroyer passing by.
Well, one thing’s for certain; never play Frisbee with Herc, or you’ll never see that Frisbee again.
His mother however, is dispatched by one of the afore-mentioned mechanical beasts; this one for all I could see just had itty-bitty tiny wings that flapped, and little pinchy things on its face that didn’t even touch her.
Nonetheless, she goes down faster than a Vietnamese hooker; and Herc yet again shows up too late to save her, but dispatches the badly matted in tinker toy.
After which, in his mourning, Herc torches his house, and decides to head off in search of his destiny.
Ok, so far Herc isn’t the son of Zeus as the original myth told, he fights giant wind-up toys, logs, snake puppets that look like adult novelty toys, and guys in bad bear suits…..oookaaayy.
At this point I actually asked out loud “Can this get any sillier? Or weirder?”
For which the plot, like a sleeping leviathan of death in response, kicks in.
Herc soon becomes the body guard for Princess Cassiopeia, who unfortunately is kidnapped by Arianna (just go with it.) so Herc has to now get her back….oh yeah, of course they’re in love in an amazingly short period of time, regardless of lack of chemistry, and what not.
So the rest of the film is spent on Herc’s journey to find and rescue his lady love.
So really, Herc doesn’t spend the rest of this film, or really any of the film at all being humanity’s champion at all……he’s just looking to get laid.
He’s the champion of his penis.
And on this quest he faces more stop-motion wind-up toys, the sorceress Circe, who looks to enjoy 80s aerobics classes, and poorly matted effects shots.
While watching this film I had to do a double take at the date of release.
When I was watching, I would have pegged it at perhaps 1974-1976….hell, even 1970.
Surely this film had to be older than myself, right?
Apparently not.
I do have to admit one thing, however; this film is cheese at its height.
From the ham-fisted acting, to discotech spacey effects, which have more of a place in the old Buck Rogers series than a Hercules film, the end result is definitely entertaining, if not downright laughter-inducing in it’s absurdity.
Lou Ferrigno would return for a sequel in 1985’s The Adventures Of Hercules (Hercules II) in which Herc has to track down the seven thunderbolts of Zeus, which have been stolen by renegade gods.
That review will be forthcoming soon enough.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Turtles Forever; Or "How Many Turtles Can You Fit Into 90 Minutes?"

Yes, I know the review I planned for today is late; tomorrow, lads.
The CW will be airing the DTV movie, Turtles Forever this coming Saturday morning, and I have to admit, I'm actually pretty geeked about this.
True, it doesn't feature the voice actors from the original toon, but hey; it has to be the biggest love letter to the fans of the franchise I've ever seen anyone try.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Left 4 Dead: On The NES!

Just what EricRuthGames has posted on Youtube; and yes, this is an actual game available for download January 4th, 2010!
I'd have to say this is bloody hilarious if anything.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Smallville's Hawkman......OMFG.

Topless Robot was lucky enough to get ahold of this image from an upcoming two-parter featuring Hawkman.
And all I have to say is......BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

B-Movie Monday: Godzilla's, Revenge Guest Review!

Today we have a guest review from JLA, from JLA's Movie Reviews ,
who was kind enough to grant us a review of Godzilla's Revenge.
So, seeing as this is a guest review, there will be no Zombie-Spidey rating system
in place.
Please enjoy, and by all means, check the lad's site out!

Godzilla's Revenge (1969) By: Jordan (jla1987)
Back in the mid to late 60s, Toho got the bright idea to make Godzilla (a creature that consistently causes destruction in Japan with every appearance) into some sort of savior from the other monsters of the galaxy. Well, due to this we got a whole smorgasbord of kiddie Godzilla movies where the big green rubber-suited beast is idolized by little kids. Primary examples of Godzilla vs. Hedorah, Godzilla vs. Megalon, and Godzilla's Revenge come to mind. The concept would have been okay for maybe just one movie, but to make a whole bunch with a similar premise was just goofy. At least Godzilla's Revenge tried to change it up...albeit making it even worse!

Rather than set it all up with detail, here's the premise of this gem!! A little kid, Ichiro, is bullied by typical grade school bullies led by the horrid Gabara on his way home from school. Sound like a Godzilla movie yet? No? Let's continue! The little kid wants to visit Monster Island, the dwelling of Godzilla and his mighty band of monsters. From here, let me allow Wikipedia to provide a rather funny explanation of what Ichiro does next: "After seeing Godzilla attack the docks of Tokyo, to escape his loneliness, Ichiro goes to sleep and dreams about Monster Island, where he befriends Minilla, the son of Godzilla." Get that? Genius, ain't it? If I was a little kid and saw a giant monster destroying a dock in a major Japanese city, I'd shit myself! Hey, whatever floats your boat...

So, now we're on a dream world interpretation of Monster Island. Actually, we start off underneath it, as Ichiro falls into a cavern and lands with the most unspectacular thuds in history (you must see it to believe it, but this is the worst fake fall in history!). Skip a bit, then we meet the greatest piece of the Kaiju universe, Minya! This little oddity is the son of Godzilla, first glimpsed in the equally silly "Son of Godzilla." In Ichiro's dream world, Minya (yes, I know it's Minilla for you purists) can speak (either Japanese or English depending on your viewing preference ;). In reality, the little goofy creature would probably tear Ichiro apart faster than his bully schoolmates. Minya begins his lessons soon after and some stock footage from previous Godzilla movies, Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster in particular, ensues.

Who is the primary monster villain, you might ask? A beast appropriately named Gabara! Please click the link and behold! Hope I didn't scare you too much. So, this monster is conjured up as an analogue to the real world bully counterpart. Guess who monster Gabara terrorizes. No need, since it's Minya of course! I'm sure even with this basic review that I've written, that anyone could guess where this "lesson" is going. Godzilla and Minya are teaching Ichiro to go kick the bully's ass! Perhaps, once again I can let Wikipedia sum it up best...check this out: "To train Minilla, Godzilla makes him fight. Then Ichiro helps Minilla fight back at Gabara and wins through some help of Godzilla. It is through these trips that he learns how to face his fears and fight back. These lessons also grant him the courage to outwit two bumbling bank robbers, as well as have the guts to stand up to Gabara and his gang in a final confrontation." Please note the part about two bumbling bank robbers. WTF were the writers of this movies smoking? It doesn't help that the final battle between the gang of bullies and Ichiro is shot as though it's a psychedelic music video.

In summation, this is the most kiddie-friendly and bizarre Godzilla movie ever made. It provided hours of riffing for me and my friends and I truly must thank the creators of the film for that...but that's the only redeemable quality. Godzilla's Revenge, also titled All Monsters Attack (?), is the worst in the eyes of most Godzilla fans, but in all honesty I find it no worse than the Smog Monster or Megalon. The music of the film, while different for Godzilla, actually stands out to make the movie at little more fun than it actually is. There's no real lesson to be learned other than go beat the hell out of your enemies, which is fine for Godzilla, but less so for a grade schooler. Ugh, as with all bad movies, give this a shot. You won't believe how goofy it is without watching it at least once.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Clash Of The Titans Trailer

You know, this actually looks pretty decent.
And I'm a snob.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

3 Dev Adam (3 Mighty Men, 1973)

AKA “Turkish Spider-Man”, AKA “Shoot Me Now”.
3 Dev Adam is an interesting study to say the least; of foreign adaptations of American cultural icons.
Namely, Spider-Man and Captain America.
Yes, you heard me right.
Mind you, the only thing American about this Captain is his costume.
Also, Spider-Man in this film is no hero; he’s the head of the “Spider Gang”, chops women’s head’s up with boat propellers, strangles them in the shower, and uses guinea pigs to kill.
I’m certain they were evil guinea pigs at least.
Also had to love the extremely long eyebrows protruding from the eye sockets of Spidey’s mask……that really shows he’s evil.
Another unauthorized character in this film who teams up with Captain America is the Mexican masked wrestling hero, El Santo (AKA Samson).
Unfortunately, unlike the real El Santo, this version is depicted without his mask on numerous occasions throughout the film.
Anyone who is a fan of the masked wrestlers knows that they never, never, ever are seen in public without their mask on.
But, since this is a fake El Santo, I suppose we can make the exception.
The film takes place in Istanbul, where Not-Spider-Man and his criminal group surface in the city with counterfeit US Dollars.
A small task force is brought in, consisting of Captain America, his girlfriend, and El Santo.
The film opens with Spider-Man and his own girlfriend, along with a few of his henchman burying a woman in the sand on the beach up to her neck, and then backing a boat propeller into her face.
Then the opening credits roll.
Well, the film does try to grab your attention from the beginning, at least.
The remainder of this film is spent trying to infiltrate Spider-Man’s gang on a few occasions.
First, Cap’s girlfriend tries, taking pictures at the villain’s hideout, but is captured.
She sends out an S.O.S., using her super-duper-secret-beepy-watch.
Luckily, Cap is tooling around town sporting a jacket so loud it should come with a volume knob.
He receives the signal on his own super-duper-secret-beepy-watch and springs into action.
And by that, I mean he raids the house, and what follows is what is going to fill most of the remainder of the film.
Fight scenes so goofy I found myself giggling uncontrollably almost continuously.
At times I expected cartoon sound effects, but was sadly denied.
Anyway, he rescues his girlfriend, and after another goofy fight with Spider-Man, the villain escapes in car that looks to have more mileage than Brittany Spears.
There is one thing I have to give to the lead male actors in this film though; they really throw themselves into the fight scenes, even if the result is more comedic than exciting.
Santo himself has his own fighting scenes, namely taking on some karate blokes at a dojo being used as a front for the counterfeiting.
And this scene is more reminiscent of a schoolyard brawl then a superhero fight.
Also this Spider-Man either has the ability to clone himself on the fly, or he tricked a bunch of his hapless henchmen into wearing the same costume as himself, and having the pulp beaten out of them.
Anyone who complains that today’s superhero film adaptations from Hollywood take too many liberties with the characters needs to see this film, and be thankful that Hollywood doesn’t take the same approach.
Well, ok…..except for Catwoman