Thursday, November 19, 2009

Random Movie Review: Hercules (1983)


This has to be one of the most ambitiously bad movies I’ve ever done.
No, seriously; this film aspires to such levels of silliness, and all with a straight face.
I’ve spent considerable time trying to wrap my brain around just what in the name of hell the creators of this epic acid trip were trying to do.
As a result of doing that however, I ended up with a nosebleed and found myself passed out on the floor.
It’s obvious the film aspired to be something far more epic than its budget would allow.
An Italian production that saw release in the United States through Golan-Globus, written and directed by Luigi Cozzi, this is to say the least, an odd retelling of the Hercules myth.
Hercules, played by Lou Ferrigno (television’s The Incredible Hulk) battles the evil wizard Minos (William Berger) who uses “science” to try to dominate the world.
And by science, I mean stop-motion monstrosities depicted as robotic beasts that would make Ray Harryhausen punch a Cyclops.
The film opens with narration depicting the creation of the universe, more specifically this solar system, through a trippy effects sequence, full of flashy stars, and electronic “pew!” sound effects.
We are then introduced to the Gods, who really seem to fancy 80s leotards and the like.
Although Zeus himself (Claudio Cassinelli) is clothed in nothing more than bed sheets, a blatantly fake beard, and a fancy-shmancy crown.
They all hang out on the moon……of course.
Anywho, they sit about, pondering the balance between good and evil, or debating it….whatever.
They come to the conclusion that to balance out good and evil on planet Earth, humanity must have a champion, with really big muscles that are regularly oiled, and a rugged beard that makes his face look like an evil chia-pet.
And so, through more “pew!” sound effects, Hercules is given birth on the planet Earth, as the son of King Augius, who of course himself is betrayed and killed by Minos, but luckily Zeus intervenes, resulting in lil’ Herc floating down a stream to be discovered by his new parents.
Now, the scenes of lil’ Herc floating down a stream are just funny enough; meaning we get to see the little guy strangle and squeeze poorly made rubber snake puppets until jam, or whatever it is, comes oozing out of them.
I suppose this was designed to show Hercules’ massive strength at even his earliest years, but instead just comes across as hilariously inept film making.
And so, Hercules is raised by his new parents, growing into the afore-mentioned big muscley guy, but of course, these parents get killed as well, in remarkably humourous ways.
His father is killed by a bear, or more like a guy in a cheap bear suit and stock footage; for which Hercules is so angered he actually flings Yogi into outer space…..well, a small bear doll, at least….perhaps it was Boo Boo standing in for Yogi as his stunt bear.
That’s not the only thing ol’ Herc flings into the cosmos in this film…he chucks a log up there as well…..for which the director actually set up shots akin to a Star Destroyer passing by.
Huh.
Well, one thing’s for certain; never play Frisbee with Herc, or you’ll never see that Frisbee again.
His mother however, is dispatched by one of the afore-mentioned mechanical beasts; this one for all I could see just had itty-bitty tiny wings that flapped, and little pinchy things on its face that didn’t even touch her.
Nonetheless, she goes down faster than a Vietnamese hooker; and Herc yet again shows up too late to save her, but dispatches the badly matted in tinker toy.
After which, in his mourning, Herc torches his house, and decides to head off in search of his destiny.
Ok, so far Herc isn’t the son of Zeus as the original myth told, he fights giant wind-up toys, logs, snake puppets that look like adult novelty toys, and guys in bad bear suits…..oookaaayy.
At this point I actually asked out loud “Can this get any sillier? Or weirder?”
For which the plot, like a sleeping leviathan of death in response, kicks in.
Herc soon becomes the body guard for Princess Cassiopeia, who unfortunately is kidnapped by Arianna (just go with it.) so Herc has to now get her back….oh yeah, of course they’re in love in an amazingly short period of time, regardless of lack of chemistry, and what not.
So the rest of the film is spent on Herc’s journey to find and rescue his lady love.
So really, Herc doesn’t spend the rest of this film, or really any of the film at all being humanity’s champion at all……he’s just looking to get laid.
He’s the champion of his penis.
And on this quest he faces more stop-motion wind-up toys, the sorceress Circe, who looks to enjoy 80s aerobics classes, and poorly matted effects shots.
While watching this film I had to do a double take at the date of release.
1983.
When I was watching, I would have pegged it at perhaps 1974-1976….hell, even 1970.
Surely this film had to be older than myself, right?
Apparently not.
I do have to admit one thing, however; this film is cheese at its height.
From the ham-fisted acting, to discotech spacey effects, which have more of a place in the old Buck Rogers series than a Hercules film, the end result is definitely entertaining, if not downright laughter-inducing in it’s absurdity.
Lou Ferrigno would return for a sequel in 1985’s The Adventures Of Hercules (Hercules II) in which Herc has to track down the seven thunderbolts of Zeus, which have been stolen by renegade gods.
That review will be forthcoming soon enough.

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