Also, you'll notice below I have a review rating system now; That's right, Zombie Spider-Men!
1= Utter hell.
2= Fair, but not worth it.
3= Good.
4= Brilliance!
Well, what can I say about this film?
Aside from David Hasselhoff in space?
Aside from the villain looking like Darth Vader’s flamboyant cousin that the Skywalker’s refuse to speak of at family gatherings?
Ok, I made that last part up; but you get the idea.
Starcrash, or Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, the original Italian title, meaning “Stellar Crash Beyond The Third Dimension”, was created to cash in on the Star Wars craze just a couple of years prior.
Much like the film, neither title makes much sense.
The plot revolves around our sexy heroine Stella Star (Caroline Munro), who really is mostly there for eye candy more than anything, since it’s everyone one else in the film that saves her shapely back end through out the film.
Anyway, she’s a smuggler in space, accompanied by her sidekick Akton (Marjoe Gortner).
At the beginning of the film, you get an idea for the ambition the production team had for the film, but the effects come off more like that airbrushed art that was so prevalent on rock album covers of the decade…..and lot of other things, too.
Anyway, at the beginning of the film, our duo is being pursued by The Chief Of Galactic Police (that must be one big precinct.) Thor (yes, that’s really his name) and his fellow pigs in space.
Yes, that joke was on purpose.
Actually, he’s accompanied by Police Robot “Elle”, who looks like a bargain bin Cylon painted black, and sounds like one of Fritz Frieling’s voices back when he was still doing Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Well, our heroes try their best to evade the authorities, meaning more acid induced special effects; but in the end they’re both caught, and sentenced to hard labor, which results in Star actually wearing less than she was before.
Well, she stages a jail break, gets about so far, sees a ship parked on the horizo
n, and walks right in, and promptly gets caught again.Star is not very bright, by the way.
But wait! It turns out she was pardoned!
Why? Well, the Galactic Emperor (Christopher Plummer! WTF?) needs her and Akton to track down a lost ship containing his son, and was also trying to find the hideout of the big bad of the film, Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) who apparently has a super big bad secret weapon that when engaged, gives the impression everyone affected is trapped in a giant lava lamp.
No, really.
So the film meanders on from there at a tedious pace from one planet to the next, as they attempt to find the missing ship.
The world of Amazons is first on their trip, and I don’t even recall why there was a conflict.
Amazons are just bitchy like that, I suppose.
So bitchy in fact, they sic their giant robot-thing after Star and Elle.
The giant robot-thing in question was “brought to life”…..and I use those words loosely, by stop-motion animation, much like anything else that isn’t Elle that is vaguely robotic.
Unfortunately the animators apparently had no previous training or experience….or skill, for that matter by the looks of it.
The giant moves rather slowly and awkwardly, occasionally lifting an arm perhaps, leaving one to wonder how in the h
ell this thing could be so hard to run away from.Of course the duo are saved just in the nick of time by Akton with their spaceship, blasting away with the requisite “pew! pew!” sounds of the ship’s lasers.
And yes, it does sound like that.
This first planet encounter pretty much sets up the pace and tone for the remainder of the film; go to planet, get in trouble, get saved at the last second.
Elle is the one who accompanies Star on all these little away missions, leaving Akton just hangin’ out on the ship….possibly listening to ABBA or something, I suppose; I dunno, he just seems like the type would dig ABBA.
Unfortunately, the trio is betrayed by Thor, who it seems actually works for the bad guy!
Boo! Hiss!
During their time on an ice planet, while Star and Elle are wandering about the surface aimlessly, Thor seemingly kills Akton, and refuses to let the two back on the ship.
With sunset approaching, and the temperature dropping, Elle keeps Star alive by…..holding her hand.
There was a “pseudo-science” explanation given, but really, that’s what happened.
Luckily, Akton is apparently impervious to “pew! pew!” and turns the tables on Thor quickly enough, which is a shame, because by this time, I was actually rooting for Thor.
Akton rescues Star and Elle, and they blast off to yet another planet……jesus, let this be the last one; that ship had better have great light-year mileage…or whatever.
All this time through the film, we get perhaps two brief scenes showcasing the villain; and that’s just kind of wrong, really.
I mean, the guy is obviously all dressed up, with no heroes to monologue to.
Luckily, they finally find the lifeboat of the lost ship on a planet of Neanderthals, and the Emperor’s son is revealed to be….David Hasselhoff!
Unfortunately for “The Hoff”, he doesn’t have a talking car, or big-boobed life guards to cover up his lack of acting skill, so he just kind of comes across as just….there.
Regardless, this is more than enough reason for Star to fall in love with him.
Like I said….Star is not very bright.
Finally the villain gets his oh-so-brief chance to shine, in the last 20 minutes or so of the film.
I’m going to leave off the synopsis there; suffice to say it all climaxes with a big space battle that instead of being thrilling, just kind of gives one a massive sense of confusion.
What keeps me from recommending this are two reasons; one, the villain isn’t nearly as featured as someone so flamboyant should be.
And two, the pace of the film and it’s tedious execution just sucks all the fun out of what should really have been a fun, cheesy romp in space.
Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff did go on to do other things; as for the others, I have no idea.
Perhaps this film launched their careers in Italy, at least?
………nah.
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