Top 6 Things That Concern Me About GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

So, this may come across as nitpicking, and I know I’m going to see this film, since I promised a review in the upcoming schedule, but just the same, like a good amount of other movie goers, I have many a dubious concern regarding the Joes’ first foray onto the silver screen.
So lets’ begin, shall we?


















6.

Accelerator Suits

Really? I mean….really?
Was this inspired by Iron Man?
Because as it stands right now, watching the Joes’ hop about like jack rabbits in bullet time isn’t going to make me go “wow”…..it’s making me face-palm and giggle.
I really don’t think this was made to enhance the story at all; unlike Transformers, which half of the main cast already make neat toys, apparently the Joes’ need something just as cool and edgier!
Lets put em’ in Iron Man suits!
Yeah! That’s the ticket!
Unfortunately, I fear this theory may be correct, since from what I’ve seen and heard so far, they only appear in the silly things once in the entire film.



5.

Cobra Commander

I can’t call this guy by that name.
He seems more like a walking vacuum cleaner attachment whose into leather and heavy bondage than the head of a massive terrorist organization determined to rule the world.
I mean, why is the mask clear, for that matter?
Is it that difficult to make a simple blue helmet with a silver face plate?
Was it in the actors’ contract that his face had to be seen even if his head looks like a giant crunch berry?
Gah…









4.
The Baroness’ Accent

Call me really nitpicky, but part of the allure of this bad girl back when we were lil’ wee brats glued to the tv cutting the roof of our mouths on Capn’ Crunch was that sultry European purr.
Granted, so far she’s got the look (minus the Cobra insignia) but it takes more than just a nice rack and looking good in tight vinyl to impress me.












3.

Nanomites

So apparently Vacuum Cleaner Man controls all his minions, including The Baroness with nanomites???
What in the blue fucking hell is this???
Whatever happened to them all just being bad guys with a common goal?
What happens if (or should I say when?) The Baroness breaks free of her master’s control (there’s that bondage thing again…) and then what?
She’s on the good guys side, now?
Oh, wait…I forgot…she’s Duke’s former love…..goddammit.
And do these things come with a warranty, for that matter?

2.

Snake Eyes Mask Has Lips
LIPS!!
LIPS for crissake!!
Is this nitpicky?
Or am I just creeped out by the fact that the costume designers somehow turned what used to be a pretty cool looking ninja-style mask into latex fetish wear?
Again, back to that whole bondage/fetish thing….I’m starting to sense a pattern…

1.

Marlon Wayans

Ok, the image I’ve provided should be more than enough reason.
It’s as if Hollywood has not yet realized that Wayans brothers have become cinematic poison.
I’m sorry folks, but anyone associated with “White Chicks” doesn’t get a second chance from me.










So, does this all add up to horrid soul-searing theatrical mess?
It does seem to point that way, and I’ve only given the main six things that really upset me about this production.
But hey….I may yet be surprised………