Sunday, August 23, 2009

Rifftrax Live & Plan 9 From Outer Space

Ok, this will be a two part review; first the film, then the Rifftrax experience itself; each rated separately.
So really, you’re getting a two-for-one here, people.
Yes, I love you too.

What can I say that hasn’t already been said of Plan 9 From Outer Space?
The insane brainchild of infamous director Ed Wood Jr., the plot of the film is interesting unto itself, to say the least.
It involves Aliens trying to take over the world by using plan 9; resurrecting the newly deceased, in this case, Vampira, Bela Lugosi, and Tor Johnson.
Well, Bela kind of….the chiropractor of Ed Wood’s wife actually stood in for almost all of Bela’s undead scenes, since Bela himself died before production of the film was completed.
The film begins with airline pilot Jeff Trent in his amazingly constructed flight cabin made up of three walls, two stools, and a shower curtain.
Jeff and his co-pilot encounter a UFO, which is actually a painted paper plate suspended by thread.
Elsewhere, a funeral is being held for Bela Lugosi’s wife, (and you can tell it’s a cemetery because of the wonderful tiny cardboard headstones that are only two feet apart from each other) as two gravediggers look on.
Bela is understandably overcome with grief, or perhaps the heroine kicked in; I couldn’t tell which.
After the service, the gravediggers go to leave, when they encounter Vampira, who appears to be undead…..yeah.
Her arms raised, the scene fades to black.
What happened?
Who knows; perhaps she cuddled them to death, because a woman with a waist about two inches in diameter just doesn’t strike me as a threat to two gravediggers who also happened to have shovels as weapons.
So, back to Bela, who apparently so absorbed in grief by his wife’s death, wanders into traffic and is apparently turned into pavement paste.
At his funeral, the corpses of the two gravediggers are discovered that must’ve been some hardcore cuddling!) Inspector Daniel Clay (Tor Johnson) is on the scene with two numbnut police officers who will offer much ridiculous dialogue to come.
Good ole’ Tor encounters Vampira, who is now joined by Not-Bela and is killed as well.
Now comes one of those ridiculous lines from the aforementioned officers when they stumble upon his massive ton of flesh: "Inspector Clay is dead...murdered...and somebody's responsible!".
Those boys don’t miss a trick, do they?
We then cut to Jeff Trent and his wife Paula sitting in their backyard looking out at the cemetery (we assume) as he relates his earlier UFO experience through more absurdly written dialogue.
He figures the UFO’s are related to the strange goings on in the cemetery…..oh, no doubt.
Suddenly, a blinding light and massive gust of wind knock the chemistry-lacking couple to the ground, a “spaceship” landing nearby.
Of course it is.
What follows in the film are more sightings of flying paper plates, inane dialogue, and of course……more stock footage than you can shake a heroine needle at.
But what makes this film fun is the fact that it’s taking itself almost deathly serious.
From the cardboard stiff line delivery, to the insanely dangerous way that the one inspector flips his revolver about; even tipping his hat up with it.
And on the subject of line delivery nothing will probably ever top the line delivered by Eros (Dudley Manlove): “You see? You see? Stupid! Stupid!!”.
And really, what would any Ed Wood film be without Tor Johnson?
Glen Or Glenda, that’s what; and we reeeeaaally don’t want that.
Plan 9 From Outer Space, originally titled “Grave Robbers From Outer Space” has often been regarded as the worst movie ever made.
Poppycock, I say.
Sit through Manos: The Hands Of Fate, then we’ll discuss worst of the worst.
So on top of the seriousness the film tries to project amidst all the incredibly cheap special defects, blatantly fake props, the worst stand in for an actor I’ve seen this side of an old school Star Trek fight scene, and absurd dialogue, are the main reasons I recommend this film.
Sounds crazy, right?
Hear me out; one thing I truly respect about this film is Ed Wood’s pure ambition and love of making pictures.
He wasn’t about to let a little thing like no budget get in the way of his vision.
And that’s what it was always all about.
Plan 9 was the culmination of Ed Wood’s film making dreams.
Sure, the result may have caused nose bleeds in some people, birth defects in pregnant women brave enough to sit through it, but dammit, I’ve got to hand it to a guy with that much guts.
He didn’t make the film to make a quick buck; he made it because he loved doing it.
And that puts him in the plus column in my book.
There’s a reason the man has a cult following.



Rifftrax: The Live Show

Now I was lucky to actually have just stumbled into this.
It was to be a birthday gift for a friend of mine, and they were gracious enough to let me attend with them.
For those who don’t know what Rifftrax is, refer to my post from last week; it also contains links to their site and related sites.
We attended at a local AMC theatre, and immediately I was surprised at the attendance.
The theatre itself was darn near packed, everyone eagerly awaiting the show.
Now, the show itself was being held in Tennessee, and was being broadcast via satellite delay to over 400 other theatres across the country.
Right up on the big screen we were treated to a visual of the theatre they were broadcasting from, and the packed audience that were attending there.
A nice young lady, who I’m unfamiliar with, and no doubt someone will berate me for not knowing, was the host of the show, and shortly introduced the Riff-Kings themselves; Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett.
Immediately they jumped into riffing the film short “The Flying Stewardess”, and cut into it with such wit and observational humour, the theatre was out loud laughing the whole way through.
However, not all was well with this segment of the show; on at least four occasions, the feed blinked out for about 4-5 seconds, instigating an “aaaawww!" from our audience.
Luckily, this didn’t last long, and the show was able to continue.
In between the short and feature presentation, we were treated to ads, courtesy of somethingawful.com; which of course were wonderfully deranged parodies.
What actually kind of brought the show to halt in terms of pace, was geek folk singer Jonathan Coulton coming out and doing a couple of songs.
Now, while they were amusing, and it was oddly funny to see the camera cut to the same two girls in the audience singing along a little too vehemently, it really didn’t add anything to the show; and for me personally, I could have done without it.
Thankfully right after his two songs, Mike and boys came out and did a little ditty of their own, with Coulton’s help of course; and this was immediately followed by the feature presentation of Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Let me tell you; originally I wasn’t certain that Plan 9 could even be riffed successfully, since the film itself is kind of a parody.
But sweet Christmas, these boys cut into it with their A-game!
A flurry of observational riffs, put-down jokes, and dialogue inserts had the audience in our theatre roaring.
This was a film the guys have obviously studied and experimented with carefully, picking and choosing just the right combination that worked seamlessly in tune with the film.
Not only that, but they knew just when to hold back during scenes or dialogue that had the audience laughing by itself.
Such as Eros’ wonderful tangent on stupidity; cutting in right when they needed to; not overshadowing the lunacy, but enhancing it, if that makes any sense.

So to sum up, aside from a couple of tech glitches, and a unnecessary folk music interlude, the Rifftrax crew delivered in spades.
I certainly hope they plan to do more of these shows, at least once a year; because experiencing a good riffing with a large audience is just too wonderful an experience to only do once.
One quick side note however; surprisingly the version of the film they chose to present was colourized.
Now while this isn’t a big thing, and I understand that showing a colour version of the film is probably meant for the benefit of an audience who prefers it, I did find it a bit jarring, and hope they decide to steer away from it in the future.


Author's note, a correction: In my review of Starcrash, I mistakenly and foolishly subbed Fritz Freiling for the unmistakable classic voice talent of Mel Blanc.
For that, I'm stupid, and will accept any taunting of my self-noted stupidity.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

District 9


Pig launched by a Mech Suit.

Now that I have your attention, that’s not the only highlight of this film.
District 9 I think is the type of film I’ve been waiting for in the Science Fiction genre of film making for a very long time.
At a reported budget of only $30 million, the effects in this film could make some of ILM’s stuff seem over rated.
District 9 concerns an alien space craft that appeared over southern Africa, just hovering there motionless for months, until it was decided that we eventually just had to cut in to the bloody thing to see what was inside.
And what was inside was a whole population of aliens; crustacean like in nature; suffering from malnutrition, and just not in a generally good state of health.
Their species are not named, except for the derogatory term “prawns”.
The aliens are relocated from their ship into a housing project of sorts designated District 9; which over time becomes more of a slum than a home for the aliens, becoming infested with crime, Nigerian gangs, and the like.
District 9 is not a pleasant place.
The amount of racism, or “speciesism” toward the aliens is great; signs stating “humans only” and the like pasted in the nearby towns, harkening back to time in American history when blacks and whites had such segregation.
As racial or species tensions rise, the MNU (Multi-National United) is tasked with relocating the aliens hundreds of kilometers away to a new facility, basically evicting them from District 9.
Placed at the head of this effort is Wikus, our main character.
He’s a bit of an ass, to say the least; his regard toward the aliens no more favorable than anyone else.
During the eviction, he becomes infected by alien DNA, and that’s where things go downhill for our main character.
At the beginning of the film, the aliens seem simple, mindless drones…going more on instinct than anything else.
It isn’t until we meet the film’s other main character and his son, that the preconception of who and what these creatures are become blurred.
And dammit…you feel for them; the CGI work put into the performance of the aliens in this film works so well that by the ¾ mark, you’re rooting for them.
Of course, the more that’s revealed about the MNU, the more you start despising the humans, and the lengths they’ll go to just to control alien weaponry.
Not to mention the fear and paranoia humanity displays regarding the aliens, which is probably a sad truth as to how we would actually deal with a true first contact.
This film pulls no punches in the portrayals; one fact that was recently discovered was apparently a good deal of the film’s dialogue became improvised on set, leading to a much more natural portrayal on screen.
That’s another thing; the acting in this film pulled me in; after the basics of the film were established, my suspension of disbelief wasn’t an issue.
The canister of alien “fluid” which infected Wikus at first would probably be what some would call the Mcguffin or plot device of the film; capable of altering human DNA, and powering a spaceship as well.
Normally, this would bug the hell out of me; same way the Matrix of Leadership in Transformers 2 seemed to have as many uses as an infomercial product.
But in this film, it worked; the aliens’ technology is DNA based, leaving open many possibilities for its use and application in the story.
So yeah, this didn’t bug me.
The first half of the film uses a faux documentary style approach, while the second half is a more balls to the wall action film.
But again, to me this works; the flow of the plot dictated that serious shit was going to go down in the second half; and boy, does it really go down…hard.
If the first half of the film sets everything up, the second half grabs you by the junk and won’t let go, making certain to keep your attention as bodies explode, and pigs get launched.
People have called this film gory; and while this is a pretty accurate assessment, it’s not pointless, I find.
I never found it excessive, or too much; it was never there to just make you go “ewww!”
Well, except for the pig launch, but that was more funny than anything.
And by the end, Wikus, who had been such a sniveling little prat, finally sees the light, so to speak, and does the right thing.
So….what do I say?
It’s not perfect; but I’d say it’s a safe bet this will end up being one of the Sci-Fi classics.
You just don’t get a science fiction film like this very often with this much heart.
If they decide to go forward with a sequel, I hope they don’t let the studio interfere.
About the one thing that keeps me from giving it a 4 Zombie Spidey rating is that I wanted to see even more of the main alien character's development, and possibly a couple of answers to their origin.
But who knows? Perhaps that will be explored in a sequel.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Plan 9 From Outer Space......Rifftrax!


Greetings gentle snowflakes; Friday's review of District 9 may suffer a delay until Saturday, due to a sudden scheduled viewing of the Ed Wood Jr. classic, "Plan 9 From Outer Space"!
So what's the big deal?
Well, I get to sit in a theater to watch this, along with a live audiocast of the Rifftrax crew, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbet as they do a live riff show for this b-movie juggernaut!
As a result, not only is District 9's review bumped a day, Monday's review of A*P*E* will be replaced by not only a review of Plan 9, but the experience of the riff crew themselves doing a live show!
And if you guys don't know who these gentleman are, shame on you!
Shame on you, I say!
These fellows got their start dealing with the world of b-movies whilst working on a little cable series that some might remember called Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Since the series' end, the cast and crew of the show went in slightly different directions.
I say slightly, because Mike, Kevin and Bill are doing essentially the same thing through Rifftrax, while MST3K series creator Joel Hodgson went on to do the DVD series Cinematic Titanic, which is most like the original concept of the two projects; joined by Trace Beaulieu and the other remaining MST3K alumni.
For more info on either comedy group, follow the links, people!
All info on the original MST3K series can be found at Satellite News!

Rifftrax's Website


Cinematic Titanic's Website

Satellite News

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

B-Movie Monday (Late!): Starcrash (1979)

Yes, I know Monday's review is late; won't happen again, yadda, yadda...don't judge me!
Also, you'll notice below I have a review rating system now; That's right, Zombie Spider-Men!
1= Utter hell.
2= Fair, but not worth it.
3= Good.
4= Brilliance!




Well, what can I say about this film?
Aside from David Hasselhoff in space?
Aside from the villain looking like Darth Vader’s flamboyant cousin that the Skywalker’s refuse to speak of at family gatherings?
Ok, I made that last part up; but you get the idea.
Starcrash, or Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, the original Italian title, meaning “Stellar Crash Beyond The Third Dimension”, was created to cash in on the Star Wars craze just a couple of years prior.
Much like the film, neither title makes much sense.
The plot revolves around our sexy heroine Stella Star (Caroline Munro), who really is mostly there for eye candy more than anything, since it’s everyone one else in the film that saves her shapely back end through out the film.
Anyway, she’s a smuggler in space, accompanied by her sidekick Akton (Marjoe Gortner).
At the beginning of the film, you get an idea for the ambition the production team had for the film, but the effects come off more like that airbrushed art that was so prevalent on rock album covers of the decade…..and lot of other things, too.
Anyway, at the beginning of the film, our duo is being pursued by The Chief Of Galactic Police (that must be one big precinct.) Thor (yes, that’s really his name) and his fellow pigs in space.
Yes, that joke was on purpose.
Actually, he’s accompanied by Police Robot “Elle”, who looks like a bargain bin Cylon painted black, and sounds like one of Fritz Frieling’s voices back when he was still doing Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Well, our heroes try their best to evade the authorities, meaning more acid induced special effects; but in the end they’re both caught, and sentenced to hard labor, which results in Star actually wearing less than she was before.
Well, she stages a jail break, gets about so far, sees a ship parked on the horizon, and walks right in, and promptly gets caught again.
Star is not very bright, by the way.
But wait! It turns out she was pardoned!
Why? Well, the Galactic Emperor (Christopher Plummer! WTF?) needs her and Akton to track down a lost ship containing his son, and was also trying to find the hideout of the big bad of the film, Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) who apparently has a super big bad secret weapon that when engaged, gives the impression everyone affected is trapped in a giant lava lamp.
No, really.
So the film meanders on from there at a tedious pace from one planet to the next, as they attempt to find the missing ship.
The world of Amazons is first on their trip, and I don’t even recall why there was a conflict.
Amazons are just bitchy like that, I suppose.
So bitchy in fact, they sic their giant robot-thing after Star and Elle.
The giant robot-thing in question was “brought to life”…..and I use those words loosely, by stop-motion animation, much like anything else that isn’t Elle that is vaguely robotic.
Unfortunately the animators apparently had no previous training or experience….or skill, for that matter by the looks of it.
The giant moves rather slowly and awkwardly, occasionally lifting an arm perhaps, leaving one to wonder how in the hell this thing could be so hard to run away from.
Of course the duo are saved just in the nick of time by Akton with their spaceship, blasting away with the requisite “pew! pew!” sounds of the ship’s lasers.
And yes, it does sound like that.
This first planet encounter pretty much sets up the pace and tone for the remainder of the film; go to planet, get in trouble, get saved at the last second.
Elle is the one who accompanies Star on all these little away missions, leaving Akton just hangin’ out on the ship….possibly listening to ABBA or something, I suppose; I dunno, he just seems like the type would dig ABBA.
Unfortunately, the trio is betrayed by Thor, who it seems actually works for the bad guy!
Boo! Hiss!
During their time on an ice planet, while Star and Elle are wandering about the surface aimlessly, Thor seemingly kills Akton, and refuses to let the two back on the ship.
With sunset approaching, and the temperature dropping, Elle keeps Star alive by…..holding her hand.
There was a “pseudo-science” explanation given, but really, that’s what happened.
Luckily, Akton is apparently impervious to “pew! pew!” and turns the tables on Thor quickly enough, which is a shame, because by this time, I was actually rooting for Thor.
Akton rescues Star and Elle, and they blast off to yet another planet……jesus, let this be the last one; that ship had better have great light-year mileage…or whatever.
All this time through the film, we get perhaps two brief scenes showcasing the villain; and that’s just kind of wrong, really.
I mean, the guy is obviously all dressed up, with no heroes to monologue to.
Luckily, they finally find the lifeboat of the lost ship on a planet of Neanderthals, and the Emperor’s son is revealed to be….David Hasselhoff!
Unfortunately for “The Hoff”, he doesn’t have a talking car, or big-boobed life guards to cover up his lack of acting skill, so he just kind of comes across as just….there.
Regardless, this is more than enough reason for Star to fall in love with him.
Like I said….Star is not very bright.
Finally the villain gets his oh-so-brief chance to shine, in the last 20 minutes or so of the film.
I’m going to leave off the synopsis there; suffice to say it all climaxes with a big space battle that instead of being thrilling, just kind of gives one a massive sense of confusion.
What keeps me from recommending this are two reasons; one, the villain isn’t nearly as featured as someone so flamboyant should be.
And two, the pace of the film and it’s tedious execution just sucks all the fun out of what should really have been a fun, cheesy romp in space.
Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff did go on to do other things; as for the others, I have no idea.
Perhaps this film launched their careers in Italy, at least?
………nah.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

If anything, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra does indeed share quite a bit with it’s animated counterpart from the 80’s.
They’re both full-on toy commercials that just happened to have a story, and the villains are definitely Saturday morning fare, if a bit more violent and ruthless.
Is it a good fun, popcorn flick?
Meh.
I’d agree to that statement if the characters didn’t come across so bloody flat and dull.
The film starts off with a bit of a short history lesson about Destro’s family, or “clan”, the McCullens; apparently, arms dealing has been running in the family for a very long time.
After which, we pick up in the near future, where the present day McCullen (Chris Eccleston) is explaining new “nanomite” technology at a conference produced by his company, “M.A.R.S.”; General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) is in attendance.
Cut to our two main characters at a military type base; Duke (Chantum Tanning) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) whose team is charged with transporting the nanotech to its location.
Of course they’re ambushed en route by the bad guys The Baroness (Sienna Miller) and gang, who of course are after the nanotech themselves for nefarious reasons that I won’t spoil here.
During the fight, the GI Joe team appears and joins the fray, of which is very reminiscent of the old cartoon, in that energy weapons seem to be the norm instead of actual bullets.
The difference is this time, people actually get hit.
Unfortunately, The Baroness and her men, including the oddly white-pajamaed Storm Shadow escape, but the nanomite technology is safe, which the team, now along with Duke and Ripcord transport to Joe HQ somewhere in the desert in Egypt.
There, Duke and Ripcord decide to join the Joe team, mostly because Duke has a romantic history with The Baroness.
Wait, what?
Well, that’s new.
What follows is the predictable training montage of the duo, with occasional light comic relief from Wayans, as was to be expected, but not necessarily desired.
From there, action takes over; explosions, accelerator suits, and enough bad CGI to pack a first generation Playstation 2 game.
As a matter of fact, the special effects and the acting are probably the two main things that pulled me out of this film so much, and keep me from recommending it.
Duke especially, whose presence and acting remind me much of the Star Wars prequel trilogy in terms of stiffness and cardboard portrayal.
This, on top of some inconsistencies in the film also hamper the overall effect; case in point; the bad guy soldiers are injected with special nanomites that render them without fear, or sense of pain.
Yet, when one gets chucked down a shaft at one point in the film, he screams like a little girl who just wet themself.
Fearless, indeed.
Among other issues with the story is the pacing; the main story moves pretty good and brisk, yet badly timed and abrupt flashbacks grind things to a halt in a second.
Some other issues I have are probably nitpicking, such as the mouth on Snake Eyes’ mask, which still creeps me out, and the amazing fact that apparently ice sinks.
The main villain of the film, first introduced as “The Doctor” is kind of like “Vader Light”, sporting a breathing mask, and somewhat deep evil rasp of a voice, his actual identity is pretty much broadcast from the get go.
Yet another thing that falls amazingly flat; any surprises and twists in the story aren’t surprising at all; they’re kind of a “duh” obviousness, that when the surprise or twist is revealed, it holds almost no weight what so ever, especially to any fans of the original property and cartoon series.
As a matter of fact, I found the final twist of the film in the last scene to be such a blatant rip-off of the first X-Men film, that I just rolled my eyes when I suppose I was supposed to be saying aloud: “Oh, no! Really?!”
Luckily, the plot isn’t jumbled, it moves pretty swiftly from each point in the film to the next, which is one solid plus I guess to the film’s credit.
Unfortunately, I was left feeling so disappointed and with a feeling of apathy towards everything I had just seen, that that credit is sadly moot.
And that, I suppose sums up my feelings on the Joes first outing in Hollywood; not angry, not happy, just apathetic.

Godzilla Returns.....Kind Of

Both Bloody Disgusting and Monster Island News beat me to the punch on this one; but the news is interesting if not exciting to say the least.

Bloody Disgusting got the exclusive that Legendary Pictures is in very, very early talks about bringing back The King Of The Monsters for American audiences, in the form of a reboot.
So hopefully chances are we'll see a completely different creature than the Dean Deviln/Roland Emmerich disaster from 1998.
I remain cautiously optimistic on this one, even though I suppose hoping it'll take the same loyal approach to the material as Peter Jackson's King Kong did is probably too much to ask.
I'll be following this one closely, folks.
And lets hope the son of a bitch breaths fucking nuclear fire this time for chrissake!
Nuclear fire, dammit.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

GI Joe Dominates Box Office

Looks like Joe has taken the lead at the box office this past weekend, earning $56.2 million.
However, sources note a drop off just between Friday and Saturday's numbers.
What does this mean?
That word of mouth may spread on this film and I wouldn't be surprised to see the real American hero drop a good 40% by this coming weekend.
As for what I thought of it, that review will be up Friday.
Weekend box office numbers below:

1. "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," $56.2 million.

2. "Julie & Julia," $20.1 million.

3. "G-Force," $9.8 million.

4. "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," $8.9 million.

5. "Funny People," $7.9 million.

6. "The Ugly Truth," $7 million.

7. "A Perfect Getaway," $5.8 million.

8. "Aliens in the Attic," $4 million.

9. "Orphan," $3.73 million.

10. "500 Days of Summer," $3.7 million.

The Walking Dead!......On AMC?!?


That's right, folks.
Dread Central is reporting that AMC, of all cable channels is producing a series based on Image Comics "The Walking Dead" a brilliant piece of comic fiction written by Robert Kirkman (Marvel Zombies, Invincible).
Details below:

The following comes from Variety in its entirety:

AMC is venturing into zombie-drama territory with multi-hyphenate Frank Darabont.

Cabler is close to finalizing one of the richest development deals ever with Darabont to write and direct a series adaptation of the Image Comics graphic novel series "The Walking Dead," penned by Robert Kirkman. Gale Anne Hurd of Valhalla Motion Pictures and David Alpert of Circle of Confusion are also on board to exec produce.

Project is set among a group of zombie survivors of an apocalypse who are led by a police officer, Rick Grimes, in search of a safe place to live. Numerous editions of the "Walking Dead" graphic novels have been published since 2003.

Joel Stillerman, AMC's senior veep of programming, production and original content, said the project appealed to the cabler because of "the quality of the storytelling" in Kirkman's work. The series will stay faithful to the tone of the original novels, he said.

"This is not about zombies popping out of closets," Stillerman said. "This is a story about survival, and the dynamics of what happens when a group is forced to survive under these circumstances. The world (in 'Walking Dead') is portrayed in a smart, sophisticated way."

Stillerman noted that the cabler's annual "Fear Fest" movie showcase around Halloween is one of AMC's most popular programming events of the year. "We've got an audience that loves this kind of material," he said.

Darabont and Hurd pitched the project to AMC and several other outlets. There is no studio attached yet. The duo's involvement made the project a must-have for the cabler, Stillerman said. "These are two world-class filmmakers who are also brilliant storytellers with experience in the fantasy genre," he said.

Right on! Break out the brews, folks! This is cause for much celebration. My only concern is how they're gonna handle the excessive violence, but with Darabont on board I'm sure this issue will be more than addressed in the proper fashion. Stay tuned!

So the guys at Dread Central seem pretty stoked about this.
Me? I'm very, very concerned.
Why?
AMC; that's we-run-movies-hacked-all-to-hell-AMC.
The same cable network that considers Catwoman an American Movie Classic.
I don't give a damn about their series Mad Men.
This is The Walking Fucking Dead.
It's brutal, violent, and somewhat profane in language.
Their going to preserve the "tone" of the comic?
Puh-leeeez.
I sense much shennanigans in the near future regarding this.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Top 5 Reasons Shatner Should Stay Away From The New Star Trek

Lately I've seen a lot of message board threads across a few fan boards suggesting ways William Shatner can be shoe-horned into the new Trek universe JJ Abrams & Co. have created.
Well, I say screw that noise.
Shatner had his run, his Kirk died a sissy death, he's done.
To make it clearer, here's my top five reasons to keep him out.

5.
He’s dead already
He suffered the ultimate railing death. As in flying through the air with not such great ease while he was clinging to it. He was then haphazardly buried by a British man playing a French man under a pile of heavy rocks. You just don’t come back from that. I don’t care what Shatner’s fan fiction novel says.


4.
Shatner’s ego
He’s already admitted to not having pictures taken of himself in his home over time, because it apparently reminds him of the aging process; so really, does he want a younger, more handsome Kirk staring him in the face?















3.
This is a new Star Trek; a new crew
Nimoy was necessary in this latest installment to link to the original; nothing more. Having Shatner return to play “Old Kirk” wouldn’t serve any story I could think of. The only thing it would serve is his ego….and really, that’s big enough already.





2.
George Takei will piss and moan over it
Really, I’m serious! The little twerp’s taken every other available chance he’s had to take pot shots at Shatner; this would just be more fuel for the “I should’ve had my show with the U.S.S. Excelsior” crap. Yes, George…we know, and I for one don’t care.










1.
Fanboys who want him in Trek still need to get the hell over it
I know, not really a reason, but to me, it’s the Shat-Fanboys who just can’t seem to let go that harm the franchise more than help it.
And this pretty much goes for any franchise; I mean I think I’ve become convinced that if those Fanboys had their way, Shatner would be playing Kirk well past having to change his colostomy bag.
And that’s just wrong people.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

B-Movie Monday: Turkish Star Trek


Also known as Turist Ömer Uzay Yolunda literally translated “Omer The Tourist In Star Trek”.
What we have here is a vehicle for one of Turkey’s comedians, only placing him in a direct knock off of Trek; more specifically, the original series episode “The Man Trap” involving a shape shifting creature which is basically a salt vampire.
I had to watch this over about three times, mostly rewinding constantly, because in a way, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
Mind you, this is no where near as painful and wretched as “The Indian Superman” from 1987, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to overlook this film’s issues, either.
Omer is kinda like Mr. Bean, only without any charm.
A drunken letch of a character, like an old Benny Hill sketch that went horribly, tragically, wrong.
The film starts off with opening credits with the original Star Trek theme, which then suddenly turns to beach boogie music.
You heard me.
We pick up on the starship Enterprise…..and yes…the exterior of the ship is indeed the original Enterprise, because they lifted the special effects for that from the show as well.
Cut to the bridge, and we see our main characters; Spock, and McCoy, soon followed by Kirk, whom this version struts onto set like a pimp about to smack his ho.
The actor portraying Spock is quite amusing to watch, actually, simply because it looks like he’s trying so hard to be…..”Spocky”, I suppose.
Trying to arch the eyebrow constantly, sporting the ears, except they’re twice the size of a normal vulcan’s ears, so it looks more like Sarek and Dumbo The Elephant had a kid.
Let that thought keep you up at night.
Also this Spock sports a yellow shirt instead of the science blue.
Why? I have no idea, just one of those things I suppose the producers thought was for the best.
So, now he looks like Sarek and Dumbo had a kid, and then genetically combined that child with a large canary carcass.
I’m really creeping you out now, aren’t I?
Kirk is also not quite himself obviously, sporting an almost-mullet, and possessing a kind of creepy leer when he attempts to smile slightly.
Yes, this Kirk has rape face.
Dr. McCoy is even more remarkably different than his American counterpart, what with no sign of the doctor’s trademark cantankerous attitude, and grumpiness; this McCoy smiles more often than not, and reminds me more of Andy Kaufman than Deforest Kelly.
Uhura is also present, but really doesn’t do anything aside from confirming reports, pretty much, and just standing there.
Sulu, Scotty and Chekov are nowhere to be found in this iteration; again, I’m not certain why; perhaps the producers couldn’t procure an asian who would willingly partake in such stupidity, and how do you do a Scottish and Russian accent in Turkish, really?
Our heroes arrive at their destination planet, thanks to some wonderfully outdated stock footage that looks like it was stolen from NASA’s vaults.
The trio beam down, which in itself is another wonderfully giggle-inducing sight.
Both the beaming effects and phaser effects in this film are accomplished by what appears to be the same technology John Madden uses to draw up play by plays for the NFL.
For transporting, the actors step into the transporter, which is really just a grey step in front of an equally grey wall, and the image magically goes out of focus, and little white squiggly lines and dots dance about in place of the actors like an old Sesame Street animated short, the camera goes back into focus, and they’re gone!
Amazing!
I’m only perhaps ten minutes into this thing, and really wishing for either alcohol, or a support group.
The trio arrive on the surface, and from the there the plot follows loosely the same as the original episode that it’s ripping off.
They meet with a professor/scientist, McCoy sees his old flame which is of course the Salt Vampire in disguise.
That’s another thing; that whole angle of the original story with McCoy is pretty much glossed over in this version, most likely to make room for Omer’s “comedy”.
Argh.
This professor on the other hand, seems to possess an android that appears to have escaped a ladies’ club, sporting only an animal print pair of BVD’s, and slippers.
I can’t make this up, really.
The Android no doubt inspired by the episode “What Are Little Girls Made Of?”.
Apparently the professor has some sort of device; which is what seems to be what teleports our comedy hero Omer into the Turk Trek world.
That’s right; I called it Turk Trek.
From there, the wacky hijinks ensue; because most of the scenes following are set up to showcase Omer’s comedic prowess, such as mucking with the controls on the bridge of the Enterprise, causing the wonderfully classic “Tilt-O-Cam” action, to playing with any other bit of technology that make life for the intrepid crew annoying, at best.
Why Kirk didn’t order the bastard blown out an air lock forty minutes into the film, I’ll never know.
On the other hand, it’s Omer who makes them all aware of the Salt Vampire in their midst who has by now taken on the form of a slain crewmember and gotten aboard the ship.
And by the time they know of the intruder, it’s already taken on the form of Doctor McCoy!
Is the doctor dead? Oh, NOES!
Sorry, couldn’t help that.
So Kirk and Spock, with Omer in tow, return to the planet’s surface to try and get some answers; they’re greeted by one of the most laughable monsters since Robot Monster and The Creeping Terror.
It pretty much just wanders about with its arms up, making goofy sounds, and what’s really sad is, when it throws a boulder at Kirk, you can tell it slipped out of its hands, and landed next to it, yet they cut to a shot of it narrowly missing Kirk.
Talk about lazy editing.
Once the monster is dispatched with poorly edited action, with no reason given to why it was even there, our heroes move on, Omer himself encountering the salt vampire in the form of a scantily clad supermodel, whom of course he has no issues getting close to, resulting in odious comic relief so odious I refuse to type it.
Things look bleak for Omer, unfortunately until Spock shows up and it changes its form again to that of a past Vulcan lover for him, enthralling him so, that he actually attacks Kirk by her order in a---you guessed it---fight that is pulled from another classic episode, “Amok Time”; weapons and all… that just happened to be laying about for some reason.
Unfortunately, the classic fight music is nowhere to be heard, and there is no satisfaction in seeing Spock eviscerate both Kirk and Omer.
Ah well, one can dream.
Instead, the monster retreats, and the professor next sends his Rocky Horror reject android after them; when he’s defeated, a whole gang of them show up looking like a Chippendales stage show on the loose.
The trio fight valiantly (and by that, I mean, swat at them like little girls) until Omer of course finds some random control panel that just happens to be sitting out in the open which causes the beef-bots to turn on one another.
It all comes to a head when the plot follows the same formula as the last minutes of The Man Trap, and McCoy zaps the monster with what looks more like a white out gun than a phaser.
Its true form revealed as what looks like a Wookiee from The Star Wars Holiday Special from 1978.
Anyone who’s seen that knows it’s not a good thing.
Omer is returned to his time and place, remarkably as a Vulcan for no reason; just for that last comedic scene, no doubt; and Kirk and his crew take off into the stars.
The End.

This film pretty much craps on and tramples the Star Trek franchise, lifting effect shots, music, and stories all just to showcase one of the worst comedic characters I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing, and I just reviewed Mahakaal: The Monster recently, and it’s odious comic relief was pretty damn bad.
It’s amazing that no one at Paramount ever did anything about this.
On the other hand, who knows?
Perhaps they did; I’m tempted to google any films of the Omer character to see just how much longer his career lasted.
With luck, it ended with a brutal beating at the hands of Gene Roddenberry.

Robin Hood Goes Post-Apocalyptic

Garth Franklin of Dark Horizons reports that Atlas Entertainment and Hollywood Gang are planning to produce a post-apocalyptic take on Robin Hood.

Well, while this definitely does sound interesting, I'm a shwee concerned at the same time.
No title has been attatched to the film yet, and Charles Roven (The Dark Knight) is one of the producers on the project.
Let's just hope it doesn't turn into Rocket Robin Hood.



Thursday, August 6, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine


I originally caught the work print of this, being evil an’ all, but since I’ve been able to see the full film in its entirety, I figured I’d give it a chance.
Silly me.

He’s the best there is at what he does, and what he does isn’t very nice.
Particularly in this film; because what he does isn’t much of anything interesting.
In an effort to squeeze as much out of the character as possible, Fox cobbled together this little piece of cinematic mediocrity.
Never mind that we already pretty much have had three Wolverine films already.
That’s right; don’t let the “X-Men” titles in the previous films fool you; Wolverine was what it was all about in those films, so it only makes sense to pull out another, right?
Unfortunately, no.
Now, granted…this isn’t nearly as silly as X3: The Last Stand, where the writers deemed it appropriate to render the cosmic sun-devouring entity known as the Phoenix Force to nothing more than a mental disorder, and to introduce a whole slew of new mutants only to wipe them off the face of the map, and make Cyclops blow away like a fart in the wind.
No, it doesn’t; but unfortunately it doesn’t really do much of anything else, either.
The film begins with a young James (Lil’ Wolverine! He’s so cute!) as a sickly young lad back in the 1800’s, who’s friend Creed watches over him intently, almost in a creepy way, actually.
His “Father” a doctor, checks in on him lovingly until a commotion is heard downstairs; it turns out to be Creed’s daddy, who of course is a violent drunk.
See where this is going?
Needless to say, shit happens, lil’ James’ dad gets killed, which triggers such anguish and grief in young James, that his mutation kicks in, and little bone claws pop out, leaving the kid screaming in what had to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious shots in the film.
Really, I found myself giggling uncontrollably at how silly this kid looked, when I was supposed to be all “Whoa! That’s Wolverine!”
Needless to say, young James skewers Creed’s dad, only to hear a sudden deathbed confession from the guy stating that he’s James’ real daddy.
Wait, huh?
So now, Creed takes James under his wing as brothers, and they flee into the night, cue an opening credit montage of the duo making their way through history.
Well, mostly war to war, but history nonetheless.
The rest that follows is kind of predictable, really.
They get recruited into a special team led by William Stryker, first introduced in X2, and might I say, played much more convincingly in said film.
And, of course, James eventually decides after watching his brother go “rar!” for the billionth time in their extended lives, decides he wants out, and deserts the team.
And it pretty much goes downhill from there.
Speaking of that, lets cover these guys, or as I like to call them, “The D-Team”.
First up, Wade Wilson, whom most comic fans know as The Merc-With-A-Mouth, Deadpool.
He is anything but in this film; especially what they do to him later.
I repeat, especially what they do to him later.
Then we have Agent Zero.
He shoots real good.
Uh, that’s about it.
Moving on.
Fred Dukes, who just seems really strong and nigh invulnerable; fans should recognize this guy as “The Blob” from the comics, but he doesn’t become that til’ later in the film.
Don’t ask how, it embarrasses me greatly.
Also, we have a teleporting character played by The Black Eyed Peas Wil.I.Am(think I got that right) he teleports, and later in the film accompanies Wolverine for a brief time in his quest.
There’s one other guy, but I can’t even be bothered to mention him, since he really doesn’t matter anyway.
As for other mutant appearances and cameos, we have Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch.
Now, a lot of fans have been clamoring for this character for quite some time.
And now that they’ve finally introduced him, I find myself sorely disappointed.
First, I know perhaps this is nitpicking, but he doesn’t have the red/black eyes that visually define the character so much.
Second, Taylor couldn’t pick an accent through the entire film.
First it’s almost Cajun….maybe.
Then it’s more southern, then it just disappears completely at some points.
Plus his overall look says “douche bag” more than “sly-heart-stealin’-stud”.
What a waste.
What little surprises are there aren’t anything to really get excited about, unless you really are that devoted to all things Wolverine and X-Men; and trust me, in my opinion, you’d have to be really, really, reeeeaaally devoted for these two little surprises to make you happy with the entire film.
I suppose what was the biggest disappointment with Wolverine was that I just couldn’t care about the character.
You know he’s going to survive, you know where he’s going to end up.
If the writers had put more into his character, not to mention how he affects the lives of those around him in the film, which about 15-20min more of a run time could’ve solved, we may have had a more well rounded story.
As it stands, Wolverine just moves from place to place, situation to situation, stab this guy, slash that truck, wash, rinse, repeat.
What should have been a powerful sub-plot in the film regarding Wolverine’s love interest, became dull, flat and predictable, much like the rest of the film.
Hell, I could have thought of a great twist with the love interest, that would have had fans standing up going “No Way! Really?!?”
And that’s what bothers me.
I’m not paid to write films.
The people who produced this pile of utter mediocrity are.
And what they wrote was slow-mo explosions, and Wolverine going “RRARR!” through most of the film.
On a side note, apparently a “Deadpool” film has been green lit by Fox,; now, from what I understand, Ryan Reynolds, who played the character in Wolverine, is heavily involved with it, stating that he wants it faithful to the source material.
However….he’s also just been signed on to star as Hal Jordan in Warner Bros. “Green Lantern”.
Will he do both?
And if so, will he stay true to his word of respecting the material?
Gods, I hope so; because that would at least be one decent thing to come out of this cinematic mess.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What's Coming In The Future

Ok, while I have a short list of upcoming reviews posted in the side bar, here is a more complete list of films I'll have reviews up for in the future:

  1. A*P*E (1976) - A joint American/Korean venture originally meant to capatilize on the release of the King Kong remake the same year. It features a guy in a shoddy gorilla suit wrestling with a dead shark, and throwing a live snake at the camera man.
  2. The Video Dead (1987) - A direct to video piece that centers around a television that only plays "Zombie Blood Nightmare", acting as a portal for the undead.
  3. Blood Beach (1981) - Something lurks under the sand that keeps pulling unwitting folks down to their doom.
  4. Die, Monster, Die! (1965) Nick Adams tries to discover a gruesome secret at the Witley House that Boris Karloff is desperate to hide....oh, and people glow and melt.
  5. District 9 (2009) Aliens live among us! Well, in a specialized place under constant control until the fit hits the shan.
  6. 3 Dev Adam, AKA Three Mighty Men (1973) Turkish Spider-Man and Captain America. Nuff' said.
  7. The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005) Edward Furlong finally gets killed by a Terminator and returns from the dead to avenge his death.......ok, I made that up....but it sounds much better than the actual film.
  8. Race To Witch Mountain(2009) The Rock in a Disney remake.......right.
Anyway, there may be others worked in with this list as I go on, depending on time and availability of other films I'm trying to get my hands on.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Top 6 Things That Concern Me About GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

So, this may come across as nitpicking, and I know I’m going to see this film, since I promised a review in the upcoming schedule, but just the same, like a good amount of other movie goers, I have many a dubious concern regarding the Joes’ first foray onto the silver screen.
So lets’ begin, shall we?


















6
.

Accelerator Suits

Really? I mean….really?
Was this inspired by Iron Man?
Because as it stands right now, watching the Joes’ hop about like jack rabbits in bullet time isn’t going to make me go “wow”…..it’s making me face-palm and giggle.
I really don’t think this was made to enhance the story at all; unlike Transformers, which half of the main cast already make neat toys, apparently the Joes’ need something just as cool and edgier!
Lets put em’ in Iron Man suits!
Yeah! That’s the ticket!
Unfortunately, I fear this theory may be correct, since from what I’ve seen and heard so far, they only appear in the silly things once in the entire film.



5.

Cobra Commander

I can’t call this guy by that name.
He seems more like a walking vacuum cleaner attachment whose into leather and heavy bondage than the head of a massive terrorist organization determined to rule the world.
I mean, why is the mask clear, for that matter?
Is it that difficult to make a simple blue helmet with a silver face plate?
Was it in the actors’ contract that his face had to be seen even if his head looks like a giant crunch berry?
Gah…









4
.
The Baroness’ Accent

Call me really nitpicky, but part of the allure of this bad girl back when we were lil’ wee brats glued to the tv cutting the roof of our mouths on Capn’ Crunch was that sultry European purr.
Granted, so far she’s got the look (minus the Cobra insignia) but it takes more than just a nice rack and looking good in tight vinyl to impress me.












3.

Nanomites

So apparently Vacuum Cleaner Man controls all his minions, including The Baroness with nanomites???
What in the blue fucking hell is this???
Whatever happened to them all just being bad guys with a common goal?
What happens if (or should I say when?) The Baroness breaks free of her master’s control (there’s that bondage thing again…) and then what?
She’s on the good guys side, now?
Oh, wait…I forgot…she’s Duke’s former love…..goddammit.
And do these things come with a warranty, for that matter?


2
.
Snake Eyes Mask Has Lips
LIPS!!
LIPS for crissake!!
Is this nitpicky?
Or am I just creeped out by the fact that the costume designers somehow turned what used to be a pretty cool looking ninja-style mask into latex fetish wear?
Again, back to that whole bondage/fetish thing….I’m starting to sense a pattern…











1
.

Marlon Wayans

Ok, the image I’ve provided should be more than enough reason.
It’s as if Hollywood has not yet realized that Wayans brothers have become cinematic poison.
I’m sorry folks, but anyone associated with “White Chicks” doesn’t get a second chance from me.










So, does this all add up to horrid soul-searing theatrical mess?
It does seem to point that way, and I’ve only given the main six things that really upset me about this production.
But hey….I may yet be surprised………

District 9

I'm excited about this film.
Why?
Because it's nice to see sci-fi with an underlying theme again.
The concept itself somewhat reminds me of Alien Nation, back in the 80s, but only the treatment of the aliens in this film seems much more in line with what I'd expect from the human race this day and age.
That, and it's got mechs!


Monday, August 3, 2009

Mahakaal: The Monster











I caught this over the past weekend, along with numerous shots of whiskey.
The whiskey didn't help, by the way.

Where in the blue hell do I start with this?
Did I mention he has a mullet?
Granted, any male in the film who isn't under the age of 40 is sporting one.
Bluntly put, this is the Bollywood rip off of A Nightmare On Elm Street.
Similarly to the original film, a "demon" as it's described in the film, terrorizes a young group in college instead of high school in their dreams.
Funny enough, he only really torments two girls in this manner, and they're pretty much the exact same scene, with lots of spider webs.
They got some pretty busy spiders in these dreams...or perhaps it's a subtle jab at the contents of these girls heads.
I tend to think the latter.
The main tormentee, Anita (you'll remember this name for two reasons; the way her mother calls it in such a goofy quirky fashion, and how her late friend and first victim of Mahahaal keeps reappearing in her one nightmare....calling her name...over....and over...and over again to the point where we all protested at the screen "WE GET IT!"
Also I suppose she's the heroine, or the closest you'll get to it, since it's the big strong men who show up at the end (Anita's father, who's also a police chief, and her crooning boyfriend) to defeat the monster in aw pretty weak and silly manner.
The "Freddy" glove itself is a direct knockoff with one notable difference; it's gold plated.
Yep, they spared no expense with this one.
Also of note (and my GF thinks I exaggerate this, but I stand by my pain) there seems to be a musical number every 15 minutes like clockwork.
Anita and her boyfriend sing their love to one another, over what seems to take an entire day in the film; the whole gange of friends go out to the beach to sing and dance again and do a conga line.

A Hindi conga line.
The film places more focus on atmosphere than coherence, and even then, it fails miserably.....darn those spider webs.
Also we have the odious comic relief of one character whose name I don't recall, but will no doubt torment my subconscious to my grave.
The "comedy stylings" of this character are that he's obsessed with Micheal Jackson, looks vaguely like the now deceased pop star in his prime, and yet dances more like a chimp suffering from parkinson's disease.
The actor actually plays two roles, as well.
Double threat!
He also plays a motel manager who constantly has the look of someone who has done waaaay too much coke and enjoys leering at girls giving themselves a pedicure through old style keyholes.
Yes, this is also suppose to be a comedic character.......in hell, perhaps.
At that point I think we were only an hour and a few minutes in, out of a brutal 2hrs, and 28min, and I was reaching for another shot of whiskey.
This film also has no quams about it's blatant rip off of the source material; lifting plot points, and the famous music cue from the original film.
Although unfortunately, the boyfriend in this version does not share the same fate as Johnny Deppp's character in the original, which is indeed a sad thing, since after hearing him in two musical numbers alone, I was ready to see his blood and guts
paint an entire room.
After this film, all I can suggest is that Wes Craven hire a team of assassins, and have them hunt down everyone involved with this production, and kill them with licensed Freddy Krueger gloves.

Welcome

This is the first post of many to come.
As the title suggests, this is my personal little
soap box and bitch-pit for anything in the media regarding comics, sci-fi and horror.
This covers everything from current comic film releases to Bollywood gems that some may not have ever heard of.

So, the weekly schedule goes like this:

Monday is B-Movie day, giving in depth reviews on everything from classic 1950's drive in to outright disturbing attempts by Bollywood doing their own takes on some of America's most beloved cultural icons from comics, sci-fi, and horror.

Tuesday through Thursday will be a mish-mash of media news, and articles, and occasionally just really wierd things found about the net.

Friday is for the more current releases, whether it be DVD or in theaters; as long as it fits the criteria of this blog.

So I hope that this will at least entertain you, as it will no doubt provide me at least with an outlet to simply vent on what's going on with some of our most beloved nerd franchises.
Until then, my little snowflakes.